What happens when you have a values clash?
I’ve been doing a lot of work with values recently. From my own reading, and also my work through counselling, therapy, and self-discovery. Your values are what define you, and are the building blocks of who you are as a person. What you want, how you react, what your prioritise, what you expect, and how you connect with others.
It’s still a work in progress, but what I have managed to figure out, is the easiest way to pinpoint a value that you have, is to think about your gut feeling about something. When something feels right, or feels the most logical or best idea, or just genuinely feels like the right thing to do or right way to respond, that usually means it’s a a value of yours. For example, I feel really happy and content when I am doing things to make myself feel better (see previous blogs on beaches, reading and blogging) - and that means that I value self-care and self-awareness. Having the self-awareness to know what will make you feel better, and having the strength to action it is really important to me. In both myself, and in partners, but also in people that I connect with.
When I look at the people throughout my life that I have had the strongest connections with - friends, family, partners, work colleagues - they usually have similar values to my own. They are usually people that put others first, are empathetic, know how to laugh and be idiots, are self-aware, and are self-growth focused. That’s my kind of person. Those are the people that I meet once and think ‘we’re going to be friends’, and i’m usually right.
So what happens when you don’t have the same values as someone? Can you get past it, or is it doomed to fail?
The tricky part comes when you have some similar values, but others that really clash. This is when you have to consider what is a deal breaker, and what is something that is okay to have a difference of value on.
For example, I have a friend who is fantastic at getting out and having fun, she obviously values adventure, exploration, and joy. She is also brilliant at starting those deep connected conversations about life, something that I also value (see blog about why small talk is over rated and deep conversations are in). Because these values are similar to my own, we get along like a house on fire. I love her to bits. BUT, here’s the kicker. She SUCKS at getting back to people about plans. She’s just not that kind of person that replies quickly or confirms plans or has her phone on her to be reachable to confirm said plans. Now, this is TOTALLY fine - i’m not over here expecting that everyone should have their phone on them 100% of the time, or that you should be replying withing 5 seconds of getting a message. Duh, that’s crazy. BUT - something I do hold value in is commitment and respect of others. So when you know that people are trying to plan something that involves you, and needs a commitment from you, if you’re a bit flakey and non-committal, then that doesn’t sit that well with me. Hence our values are clashing. I value commitment and respect, and she values her space and ability to be flexible. Both are 100% okay - everyone is entitled to their own values. But what do we do about it?
COMMUNICATION. It’s as easy as that. I have learned that a simple “Hey, I need you to give me a yes or no on this by Tuesday so that I can confirm the booking, is that okay with you?’ can make a world of difference to my stress levels, and make it really clear to someone what I need from them. Don’t just sit in silence getting mad at someone for not doing what you think they should be doing. Tell them what you need. You need commitment? Ask for it. You need your partner to be more initiative-driven when it comes to chores? Ask them to pay more attention. If they are willing to give it, problem solved. Also, them being willing to do something for you because you have said you need it, show’s that they value their friendship or relationship with you. Win-win.
I know it’s not always quite as easy a fix as that, but that’s a good example. Figure out what you value, think about why you’re not getting it, have the courage to communicate and ask for what you need. If that resolves it, brilliant, if not, then there may be a bigger issue that needs solving (stay tuned for other values related entries to come).
Til next time,
M xx