Why small talk is overated and D&M’s are superior

How’s work? How about that weather? How was your weekend? How about that traffic this morning?

These questions and others are those typical ‘things to say to people who you don’t actually want to have a conversation with’ conversation starters. The ones you can say as you walk through the office on a monday morning and not really expect a response to. And while those statements/questions certainly have a purpose and a place in society, personally, I kind of hate them.

They stop a conversation before it starts. When you’re talking to someone and they start talking about the weather, you can tell that the conversation is about to die. They don’t actually care about the weather, they are just trying to fill the space and make it less uncomfortable.

My theory is this: If we stopped the ‘filler’ small talk and waited until we had something important to say, or actually cared about the response, then we would invite MUCH more meaningful conversations.

Meaningful, or emotionally charged conversations, help us to work through feelings, troubles, and hard times in life. They allow us to speak our minds, and invite advice from others who may have dealt with a similar situation or be able to offer ways to help. ‘They allow us to learn something important about ourselves, about the other person, or about the world – and, when this happens, we come away feeling better understood and connected with those around us.’ That sense of connectedness and understanding is of course going to help us to feel happier, and result in a better sense of wellbeing.

In 2021, I participated in a Mental Health First Aid course, and a big part of this course was about the power of listening. Too often, we talk just to speak, and forget to actually listen to the response. We only care about getting our two cents in, rather than creating a space where someone else can feel heard, and actually valued. Of course, this goes both ways. I have definitely felt like I was the only one listening sometimes, and that can feel really lonely. It’s important to be both a listener, and also have people in your life to talk to who are happy to listen to you too. I know that when I don’t have the kind of people in my life who I feel like I can talk to that will actually listen, then I end up in a really dark, lonely, disconnected place in my life.

In short, small talk is out, meaningful conversations are definitely in. Find the people that you can have the big conversations with, and hold onto them and never let go.

Til next time,

M xx